Poor Little Narcissist

OK – I get it… Or do I? It’s going to be one of those days when I have to treads lightly because the narcissist is in his elf-pity mode. I need not ask him anything because he has already exploded once with “What do you want now?” when I called out his name.

“Not a thing,” I reply.

“Just leave me alone and let me get this tire off,” he bellows. Poor little pitiful Jack has take off my tire and the bad part is, he has to pay to get it fixed because I haven’t got paid yet!

He looks at me with that demon-look as if he detests the sight of me. Since I had that cancer, he has called me ugly and old on numerous occasions. It hurts inside but I’ve learned that having had mouth cancer is nothing that I could help and that God is in control of the situation. Not Jack. He keeps telling me when I get after him about something that God is going to let it come back on me. Basically, he’s putting his Jackie Meeks curse on me. But I don’t believe in his curses. Curses are real. Jack thinks he’s a god and that he has special powers. He doesn’t. He doesn’t frighten me with his array of bull crap.

It used to matter to me. It used to mean a lot to me when he called me beautiful. But those days are long gone. We’re not in love any more or in ‘lust of each other.’

Looking back, I’m not really sure he ever loved me. He just used that to get my treasures. When I quit handing out the goodies, his true colors came out loud and clear. It didn’t take long for that to happen. Now I am just an ugly, old woman that he wishes would die so he could find someone else.

He’s a man–whore. He shops at all the local stores trying to find a wife for a moment. But these old women that he chases, sees right through him.

He wants pity and attention and I can always tell when he’s not getting any. His attitude and mood changes drastically. He makes me sick when he gets like this. He’s on every body’s case. No one can do anything right and he blames everyone for his bad day. Sorry Charlie, you wake up this way almost every day. There’s nothing anyone can do to about your tantrums either, except those who are willing to kiss your nasty butt. I’m not. Stay in our narcissist mood for all I care. It’s not worth the battle.

This is one reason I am moving out into my trailer – my own place. I need my space away from you. Nuff said…

The Change Starts Here, With Me

The Change Starts Here, With Me

By Marcella Meeks

August 31, 2022

For such a long time, I blamed Jack for my feelings. I called him the narcissist when all the time it was me. I have been just a s much a narcissist as the man I am married to.

I became the worst version of myself after we married. Yes, I became Mrs. Jackie Meeks and I don’t like that person. She’s not me. She is who ‘Jack’ wants me to be. Not who I want to be. I have become Mrs. Narcissist – the grouch, the money-nizing, the stingy ‘she version’ of Jack. And that’s sad. That’s not me or who I want to be at all. I’ve got to lighten up and let Mrs. Narcissist’s devilish spirit come out of me. I am not that person. I don’t like her and don’t want to be labeled Mrs. Jackie any more.

I am Marcy – the carefree loving soul I always have been and it’s time I make the change back to that person. I am sick of this miserable entity that has taken over my soul for so long. This evilness has deprived me of love and friendships and happiness for so long.

I can’t change Jack from being the miserable, unhappy person I think he is but I can change myself and no longer be this miserable, unhappy witch that I let myself become.

The change starts here with me – not Jack. If I don’t make a change in myself, I’m going to become the worse version of the already bitter, selfish she version of Jack, and that’s not a good thing. My kids and grandkids already don’t want to be around me. Not the way I am now. This isn’t me – this is the she version of my so called husband.

It’s not healthy – it’s not me. So I am making that change right now and going back to becoming a happy care-free soul I once was before Jackie. I don’t like this person at all. She’s a mean, name calling, selfish and vicious ‘she version’ of her husband.

I’ve lived with this man who has had so much control over me over the years and it took me a long time to wake up and realize what was happening. I didn’t see it happening. He didn’t change. He’s that same person he was when we started dating – I was too wrapped up in him to see it. I’m the one who changed and became this evil ‘she version’ of him.

I am not letting him control me any longer and I am trying my best to start smiling more and being happy. I deserve better than this. The way I have had to live the last few years under his roof has changed me drastically and I don’t like who I have become. I have let Jack rule my world for so long that even God can’t reach me. And I can’t reach Him.

The change starts here – now… I’m going back to that happy woman I once was – the one before Jackie Meeks. So the change starts here – now…

Nuff said…

Fauci Stepping Down!!! Yay!

Fauci Stepping Down!!! Yay!

August 29, 2022

I was sitting here thinking about when the pandemic hit two years ago and how it affected out society. It was frustrating for everyone in this country and the media blew it up to epic proportions. What really got me were all the videos of all the hospital beds lined up waiting for sick and dying people and the freezer trucks parked next to hospitals to place dead bodies in because they had no where to put them. Funny thing is, the beds were all empty and so were the trucks. And where were all the bodies? Where were all the bodies carried to? Were they buried or burned? How did families feel about that? See, People, they never told us that. You know why? Because it was all a pile of horse poop! That’s why.

The government came back a few weeks ago trying to scare us to death with the monkey pox. Give me a break!

The monkey virus didn’t fly either, not after that first pandemic Anthony S. Fauci, M.D. help to get started. I read an article online just now that he wrote on August 22, 2022 announcing that he was stepping down. Statement by Anthony S. Fauci, M.D. Click here.

https://www.niaid.nih.gov/news-events/statement-anthony-s-fauci-md. He should have done that before the pandemic

I have had Covid twice since it first came out. I know can be deadly but at the same time, so can the flu can too, and so can pneumonia, RSV, cancer, heart attacks, diabetes… right on down the line.

They turned Covid into a three-ring circus and went about fear mongering the American people in an effort to get Trump out office. We all know that. What makes me so mad is what they nearly did to America…the land of milk and honey, the land of the free. Statues got town down, Aunt Jemima logos on pancake boxes that we all loved so much got took off the boxes… all under racism crap. Nothing is as it should be.

I sit here thinking about it all tonight and get highly upset because of all that has happened the last two years. I am glad that Fauci is stepping down. I don’t trust him one bit and hope and the next one isn’t anything like him. Of course, the next person in line for his position could be a lot worse but I pray not.

And the masks – oh my… I could go on and on about that. Just think about the money that was spent and is still being spent on them in this country alone. They may have aided in protecting us from the virus in public places but I think the government went a little too far with that matter as well.

I am not politically smart but I know enough about politics to know what I’m talking about and if you are an honest person, you’d know as well.

The monkey virus is just another political tool set up so the government can gain more control over the American people. You may wish to disagree but what everyone needs to do is wake up and see for yourselves what is actually going on. Not that we can do anything about it anyway. But knowing things is power. At least that’s how I see it.

Just glad old Fauci will soon be out of the picture. When I read that, it made my day.

My thoughts

August 22 2022

My thoughts

Last Sunday a week ago, my 17 year old grandson Nicolas joined the Camp Minden Youth Challenge Program (YCP) sponsored by the LA National Guard. (Nicolas – 2nd guy from left to right). ((Photo courtesy of Camp Minden Youth Challenge Program (YCP))). He will be gone for 5 months. I have been so depressed all week because I know Nicolas would rather be here or at home than some place like that. But he was already a delinquent in school and needed to go back and finish that last year, but he chose to do it this way instead.

I know this is going to be hard for him since he already suffers from manic depression but maybe – just maybe – this will be good for him. Honestly I have cried enough for both of us and I am as depressed as he is. I miss him so much. At the same time, I know he’s going to be fine and go on to do wonderful things with his life.

This ‘ma-maw’ is so proud in spite of her loneliness and heartache. He’ll come home a better person and that makes me happy. After this, he’ll be more grown up. Nicolas has always been a good boy and never got into trouble or fights. His biggest problem was manic depression. Still is.

Way to go Nicolas. I am so proud of your accomplishments. You have proved yourself in every way.

Overwhelming Projects!

The last few months, I have been overwhelmed with several projects that seemed to go on and on, and there just seemed no end to some of it. But one of the hardest and biggest projects was taking on a fixer-upper mobile home and making it my new home. This has been the hardest project I ever took on (I had a little help with the renovation to some degree!) The inside has totally been redone because the kitchen and back hallway had been damaged due to a fire. The smoke damage enveloped the entire three bedroom/two bath home (14 x 80) and it all had to be cleaned before we could touch the remodeling. The carpet in all the rooms had to be pulled out and disposed of. I started the clean up and remodeling in October 2021 and just finished the inside completely. The only thing left now is putting down floor covering in the kitchen, putting up the skirting and painting the entire outside of the home. And there are five ceiling fans that have to be put up. And then the electric and water and Internet has to be turned on.

This has by far been one of the hardest projects I’ve ever taken on and finally, I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I am so thankful the foundation was totally intact with only a couple of places that needed repaired.

Hopefully by August, I will be in my new home. And I’m starting out on my own, just my grandson and I. (There’s a story here for another time…)

The most expensive part of the whole deal was getting it moved, leveled and tied down. That alone literally broke my bank account and set me back a few thousand dollars.

So this courageous woman finally did it. She started working on a project and now it’s almost done, at long last! Wish me luck!!!

When a Virus Becomes Political

When a Virus Becomes Political

By Marcella S. Meeks

Finally, at long last the political part of Covid-19 is just about over. No more pushing for vaccines and masks with life-threatening scare tactics and propaganda; no mandatory mask wearing and shut downs. Watching freezer trucks pull up to hospitals claiming dead Covid-19 patients filling up truck after truck on social media. I do have a question though. What did they do with all these bodies? Who was responsible for their burial? Who were these people and who were their families? Where are those bodies now? I didn’t buy it then and I don’t buy it now.

I’m not saying Covid didn’t exist then or now because it does. But we let the pandemic saga almost destroy this thriving country. I know people died from it. No question about it. But it wasn’t like the picture set before us. It was simply a scare tactic to push the vaccine off on us. And no doubt – some other country (China probably) made a killing off us the last two years.

What about cancer? What about diabetes? Heart disease? Strokes? Flu? People are dying everyday from these kinds of diseases and nothing’s being said about it that is out of proportion.

I had Covid 19 in January – the regular aches and pains that are associated with flu; I had fever, chills and headaches. But the overall worse part lasted for 2 days max. I’m sure it makes some worse than others – I have a pre medical history whereby this disease should have taken me out but didn’t. Thank goodness for that. But I’m just saying.

This government appropriated political virus hurt the United States. They can say what they want to. This is my opinion and I think I am entitled to voicing it when I agree or disagree with something.

I’m not politically inclined to report on things I don’t understand but at the same time, I’m not stupid either. And for the most part of Americans, neither are you. I know a dead rat when I smell it. Or a rotten egg or rotten potato. And when I see maggots and flies blowing, I know there’s something rotten somewhere. I guess the government thought they could use maggot therapy on us! Well, in a sense they did. For some, it worked. Boy those vaccines and masks went like crazy. But I’ll leave that alone for now.

Now, all you hear in the news is war, war, war. Enough is enough. We just came out of a political pandemic that wracked havoc on the people in this country. For at least a little while, can we be at peace or is that asking too much?

In my opinion, when a virus becomes political it becomes a deadlier source than the real thing. That’s all I have to say about that. Let’s get this country back to normal and quit with the political propaganda.

Setting Realistic Goals for 2022

Setting Realistic Goals for 2022

By Marcella S. Meeks

     It’s already February 8, 2021 and I have not set any goals for 2022 although I do have a couple of bucket lists that are the agenda for this year. Both of these are realistic and something important tome so I know eventually they will come to pass when it is time.

     My first item in the bucket is:

1) Get the trailer moved, and fixed up before April 2022.

     I am working on getting the mobile home I purchased back in September – getting it moved to our property here at the church. It’s going to take me a month or so, but I am working on that at the moment and getting money together to get it moved as we speak. Hopefully that will come to pass before the end of March – if not, then mid April.

     I have been spending money on items I need for the trailer to fix it up and I have bought at least $350 worth of paint already. It is 85% painted. Some of it will have to wait until we finish hanging the sheetrock in the hall and kitchen that was previously damaged by the fire.

     In addition to that, the cabinets will have to be worked on and a new window put in the kitchen area where the table goes.

     Then, after it’s moved I’ve got to get the electricity on and in order for me to be able to live in the trailer, an electrician will have to come in and fix the wiring. Oh, it has been a job working on it since September.

     I am so thankful for Theresa’s help and as well as Jack’s help. Even Kendray pitched in and helped.

     My main goal right now is to get it moved so we can really invest more time in it. Elaine is giving me $500 for floor covering as soon as she gets her settlement. She was in a wreck here awhile back and she’s doing this because I did the same for her back in 2015. It’ll probably be another month or two or maybe longer before she gets the settlement and I am buying vinyl from one to the other.

     I’ve been buying stuff every month – light fixtures, paint, and stuff like this that will have to be replaced. I’ve bought one ceiling fan so far for Kendray’s bedroom and need three more. And I will need window unit AC’s for all three bedrooms and one large one for the kitchen/living area.

     I am storing everything I’ve been buying out in my office. It’s getting filled up and hardly any room to walk out there. But that’s okay. When I do get the trailer moved I will have most of everything I need to get it ready to be lived in.

      I’ve got to invest in a couple chords of wood too for the fireplace and start getting wood together for next winter. Marvin is getting me a rich lighter pine stump for kindling.

     I’ve got a big bucket going on here. But it’s all coming into focus. I’ve got most of the money coming in to get it moved but it’s going to take a few weeks for it to get here (income tax refund, $800 worth of stories that have been accepted – just waiting on the checks), and I’m having a couple of plate sells each month and saving some out of my check. It’s going to cost me at least $3500 to get the trailer moved.

    I love my trailer house. It is mine, I bought it myself and started working on it that same month (September 2021). Jack is real supportive of me because he knows that even though I’m moving out of here that I am right behind him and not really going anywhere. This will save him both time and nerves and we can settle back down and still be as close as we are right now. There are reasons I don’t want to go into about the main reason I bought the trailer but I have no choice but to get this done.

     I am excited about being on my own in a way again. It’s just that I’ve always been independent and that’s the way it has to be now. Nuff said.

2) Get my car fixed up for our 2022 family trip out west.

     I’ve got to get new tires by the end of June. That’s the main thing right now is getting the tires, getting a censor fixed and getting the oil changed in my car.

3) Finish paying for 2022 trip to Colorado before July 2022.

     Half of our trip is already paid. I started paying for it in August 2021 because I knew I had some plans coming up, and I needed to get some of it taken care of. My family vacation is as important to me as eating. My sanity depends on getting out of this place for several days, weeks – I wish I could go for longer periods but I can only afford so much. I’d rather go a few days in the spring to someplace, and a few days in the fall and winter and then take a nice 3 week vacation to New Mexico and Colorado every year. And I make this happen no matter what.

     These are the three main things that need to happen between now and July. They are realistic and I know without a doubt that I will get them done one way or another.

     I didn’t set goals for myself this year but I had plans already set and they became my priority goals or bucket list.

     Have you set any realistic goals this year? Do you think they are realistic? Feel free to share.

I Love Valentine’s Day

I Love Valentine’s Day

By Marcella S. Meeks

     Valentine’s Day was a wonderful holiday back when I was in Elementary school many years ago. I remember designing the cute little tissue boxes and we’d line them up at the back of the room. On February 14th, we’d bring our cards and put a card in each little box. Then we’d have a party.

      We’d get little boxes of sweet tarts that had cute Valentine sayings on each one. “Be My Valentine,” “Be Mine,” I Love You,” and other cute sayings on each little candy heart.

     Sometimes, I’d make my own Valentines and sometimes, I brought store bought ones.

     The parties were wonderful, too. Cookies, cupcakes, chip, candy, punch – you name it, we had it! Some mothers went out of their way making candy bags or home made goodies for all of us.

     After I grew up and had children of my own, I shared in making Valentines or helping put names on each one for the kids. Sending goodies to school was fun, too.

     As a mother, grandparent, wife, I’ve received my share of flowers and cars along the way. I still love Valentine’s Day even now!

      Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you!

On Being Tired…

On Being Tired…

By Marcella S. Meeks

     I had surgery last Monday – they removed a small cancer out of my cheek and it hurts bad everyday all day and all night. The meds help but I’m trying not to become a pill head! My mouth is pretty swollen and extremely sore. Sometimes the pain is so intense I can’t hardly stand it.

     I will be so glad to get better and things get back to normal. Hopefully by next week my mouth will not be swelled and it will be getting better.

     It makes me so tired. I guess the medicine is what’s making me want to sleep so much. I sit and try to read or watch TV and I doze. Then I laay down and sleep 15 or 20minutes and get back up.

     Being tired and run down after surgery is real. I see now why the doctors tell you to get plenty of rest. They know you need it apparently.

     If it weren’t for the pain medicine I couldn’t tolerate the pain at all. But being sleepy and tired all day sure makes it hard on me. By next week, I hope the swelling is gone. I sure can’t take too many more days of this.

     I hope and pray the cancer never comes back and new ones never come again.

Winter Weather

Winter Weather

By Marcella S. Meeks

     Winters in the south aren’t quite as bad as in other places, I’m sure. At least not here on the Louisiana/Texas line. But there are those dark and cold days at certain times of the year regardless. I don’t like winter and I certainly wouldn’t consider it a favorite or anything close. I could live in a tropical place and never miss the cold one bit.

     Being cold isn’t something I enjoy – not for five minutes, an hour, a day or even a season. I could skip winter altogether. I tolerate it because I cannot afford to move some place where it never gets cold. Wintertime to me is a cold and gloomy time of year, and it puts me in gloomy moods almost the entire time.

     My bones ache when the weather changes. My moods change and my internal organs get all out of kilter. Don’t ask me to explain!

     If I could go anywhere in the world and live, it wouldn’t be in a place where winter comes, that’s for sure.

     I’ve heard people talk about winter time like it were a holiday. Well, this is one holiday I’m all too ready to skip out on.

     I love spring and summer, and fall too as long as it stays in the seventies. But that’s just me. I don’t like cold weather. I don’t like bundling up and layering in excessive amounts of clothing. I don’t like being cold in any form or fashion. My body just doesn’t tolerate winter that well. Not only that, I get depressed and stay depressed for days on end during the colder months. The minute it warms up, my depression lifts and all is well in my world. But that’s just me.

     I’m not saying winter isn’t beautiful because it is. Freshly fallen snow is a beautiful sight but the messy slush it leaves behind is ugly and honestly, detesting. And ice is not something I want to see coming.

     Winter has its moments and yes, snuggling up in front of a fire with a special someone is romantic, but it’s only a temporary thing. Getting outside and doing things in the yard, taking walks, having cookouts, weeding the flower bed, playing with the grand babies outside – all these things is important especially if you’re doing it with someone you care about. But winter time makes it hard for me because I can’t stand the cold!

     Everyone has different ideals and thoughts. Some like winter, some don’t. I’m just one that doesn’t – simple as that.

     The winter months just seem to take forever to get through and I imagine it’s all in my mind. Moping around, not being able to get out of the house for days at a time sure takes its toll on me sometimes. I tolerate it whether I like it or not. Tolerating it and liking it is two totally different things!

     I love to read and find that curling up with a good book sure helps sometimes. Watching TV gets old after awhile. I am a writer and spend a lot of time writing so that helps but I don’t produce any more or any less in the winter months. Being cooped up inside makes it hard to concentrate on writing as a whole – but I get around it and manage to write regardless.

     I have never spent winters any place else but here in the south so I can’t speak for other places, but on long, dark and cold days, I have to have something to occupy me until I can get out in the sun and warmer weather occasionally.  If you’ve never lived in climates where it gets extremely cold for any period of time, prepare yourself. Do some research and find things that you can do from inside – if you have work, hobbies or something to help you get through these months, then you’ll be okay. Even with that, it’s hard sometimes.

     All my adult life, I have suffered from depression and winter time makes it worse for me. Sometimes, work (writing), and hobbies or things like this will help but I have to stay busy. If I start getting gloomy and depressed I sometimes will visit a friend, take in a movie or just curl up with a good book at least once a week. Volunteering for a few community services always brightens my day. Visiting the local library is one of my favorite pastimes or visiting local thrift stores in the area when I have extra money to spend. It helps on the long, cold and gloomy days. But then afterwards, there’s the cold to contend with.

     Everyone doesn’t feel the same about winter as I do. I envy those people who can get out there in that cold and do things that make them happy. I’m just not one of them! But if you’re like me, do whatever it takes to help you get through the colder months. Just remember, it’s only for a season unless you live in one of those countries it’s cold year round. That’s not for me, that’s for sure.

     This winter, bundle up, stay warm and find something fun to do! Don’t let the gloom and doom of the cold weather get you down! Try and make the best of it regardless. When warmer weather finally gets here, you can look back and see things differently and be ready for the next cold season. Sometimes, being prepared ahead of time makes all the world of difference.

Prompt:

The dark and cold of winter can make it a hated season for many. If winter is something you tolerate instead of celebrate, what makes it pass easier for you? What helps spring come a little more quickly? If you were giving advice to someone enduring their first winter in your climate, what insights would you offer them?